like whaaa?

I appreciate nothing more than the times you are in a completely random situation and you have an equally, yet somehow polar opposite thought. For example

1. Whilst bathing myself in the shower: "I wonder what Pippi Longstocking is doing right now..."

2. Whilst looking for a fudgsicle: "I wish I were a dragon..."

3. Whilst tinfoiling leftovers: "I wonder what would happen if I pretended I were deaf next time i went out to a club..."

These are questions that NEED TO BE ASKED GODDAMIT

TFRP: (texts from riley's phone)

Riley (702) : Its 11am and the bar in the airport has a beer and shot special...think I should do it?


Derek (702) : I think youre asking the wrong person because you know what my answer would be....your pilot is kind of like the DD in this situation.

James

At my job at the spa, I sometimes work with a 69 year old Filipino man named James. James is an attendant at the spa and when it gets busy, and honestly just for my own enjoyment, I go to the men's side and help him keep things clean and tidy so he can have a chance to sit down. In return, he always gives me chocolates and crackers. Today, this conversation ensued.

James: Riley, have you ever heard of the little girl singer from the Philippines named Charice?

Riley: Oh yeah, she was just on Glee right?

James: Yes, oh yes, yes she was on Glee. You should come to Japan to see her concert with me.

Riley: .........I'm sorry, what?

James: Yes! Yes, come to Japan!

Riley: Um...Japan?

James: Yes! yes, why not?

Riley: James...Japan is on the other side of the world.

James: Well its only a 16 hour plane ride. You know what you do? You drink a bottle of wine on the plane and by the time you wake up you'll be there.

Riley: But you can't open a bottle of wine on the plane.

James: Then you drink 16 little wine bottles on the plane my friend!

Riley: Ah yes....such a simple solution.

James: I told my cousin, I said, I told him...okay, if you get me front row ticket, I'll fly.

Riley: Seriously??

James: Yes, you know why, its because I saw her at Mandalay Bay when she come here and she was so far. I say, I don't want to be so far away! I want to be right in the front so I can say (lifting up his arms) OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Riley: ..............

James: (laughing) My wife get so mad. She say "James, I am ashamed of you!"

Riley: Oh James.....you should write a book.

James: I do! I do write. Screenplays! They have been made into movies in the Philippines!

Riley: .......well......can I be in one?

Skoobidee bop

After a brief stint of a. being convinced no one read this and b. being annoyed this blog looked like shit...I'M BACK BITCHES.

You know what I am doing right now, sweet reader? I am, for reasons unbeknown to myself, watching the Nostradamus Effect series on the history channel. AKA the shows where theorists talk ever so nonchalantly about the godforsaken end of the world that apparently is juusssstttt upon us. Now, I have some few choice words for those scientists that think its okay to pour this hulabaloo into my daily coffee. My one constant response to this 2012 theory always is, "Listen, the world can't end yet....I have SO MUCH LEFT TO DO!" And while I think that should be reason enough for the cosmos to comply with my simple request, I thought...why not make them a list to reinforce my complaint. So for this holiday season, I'm forsaking my list to Santa in order to write a list to the aliens/antichrist/comet/jesus/osama/whoever could possibly be behind this pre-planned ultimate buzzkill. My bucket list if you will:

1. Go to Spain...if the end of the world doesn't kill me, Stacey Mead certainly will if her and I don't finally end up there.

2. Be in a re-enactment on either animal planet or discovery channel. Preferably a shark attack victim, but I will accept tiger attack, elephant attack, chimpanzee attack, or random worried onlooker.

3. Pet a tiger....in the WILD.

4. Time Travel..... and witness these events:
a. Dinosaurs
b. I think just Dinosaurs will suffice
c. No wait! I'll go punch Nostradamus in the face for all these doomsday prophecies that I, quite frankly, find rude.
d. Meet Jesus, ask him what's up.
e. Stand at the entrance to the Titanic with a sign that says "Free Hugs!...oh yeah and YOUR BOAT IS GOING TO SINK."
f. Try to steer Amelia Earheart onto a different career path...maybe cooking.
d. Beat Columbus at his own game.

5. Present Anderson Cooper with a Powerpoint presentation on why he should date me.

6. Be naked in a play. Get at me.

7. Live in a tree.

8. Be part of a flash mob.

Are all these not reason enough for the world to keep going? What am I doing...this is so masturbatory...I'll write a funny story where I was naked and embarrassed tomorrow instead.

poo

I havent felt particularly witty lately.