Wonn

Once I started to write a one man show. This was the opening.

One man show: Take 1

If I could perform this show anywhere, ideally it would be somewhere magical...like Hogwarts......or Costco. Or my trampoline. If I had to sum up my childhood in a nutshell it would be me with a lateral lisp, pretending to be a girl, jumping on a trampoline. An odd combination, right? You think I say that for the comedic affect, and then my mother will show you the video of me on Christmas throwing a hissy fit because the Peace bear beanie baby was for my sister, and not me. I can only thank God that the same situation involving ski-barbie wasn't caught on tape from the Christmas before. But SANTA BROUGHT IT FOR ME, KALEIGHHH@$@#$!!!

It's weird because I have never been able to distinguish if I liked things like that naturally, or because my sister and I were essentially raised as twins, and I thought I was supposed to like the same things she liked.

I was a weird kid. I often look back on my childhood and feel bad for myself. I was really shy, and got embarrassed really easily. I also was very sensitive and had my feelings hurt often. I would get home from school lots of times and just go jump on my trampoline until it was dark enough to be a hazard. In complete humble modesty I still must admit, I'm pretty bad-ass at the trampoline. That's what having no friends got me. I wouldn't just do tricks, either. I would pretend I was in dangerous situations, lots of times involving things exploding around me. And I would just throw myself around like I was being blown away. Weird, right? It's so weird, and then pair that with me being painfully shy...so when a commercial plane would fly overhead, I would get worried someone might see me pretending to be blown up, and so I would just sit in the middle of the trampoline and not move til it passed over me. Like they would be pointing down and laughing at me, thousands of feet in the air.

That thing ended up becoming completely dangerous. Over the years it had lost all of the pads over the bars supporting it, multiple springs were missing, the remaining structure was completely rusted, and it had tears on each side. I think I was 12, jumping on it, running away from vampires or something in my mind, and I landed right on one of the tears, and the damn thing ripped in half. Unrepairable damage from my pre-growth spurt chubby ass.

That's when I started drinking.