hellla gayyyyy

So, I have made an observation of my life. It seems to me that the only people I really get into altercations with in my adult life, are other gay men. Do I know why this is? No. Do I know where this hostility manifests itself from? No. Do I know why the gays are always in attack mode and ready to pounce on another gay at the drop of a ten calorie tic tac for lunch? Maybe.

I've noticed a major difference in the ways that the gays fight as opposed to straight men. Yes, there are instances where a homo can throw a beer bottle at another or "throw some bows" as my man Ludacris so eloquently puts, but it always stems from the same basic gay fighting tactic. Which I believe is making you feel like shit on the inside, rather than making you feel physical pain on the outside. Think about it, these sassy stanley's are skilled in the art of verbal assaults, probably learning from years of torment on the playground and a thick skin that not even the sharpest stiletto can puncture. All it takes is that one look. You know the one, the one where eyebrows get furrowed, the eyes travel up and down your entire body, and then the not so subtle scoff as they lean into their friend laughing while still looking at you. And then all of a sudden the insecurities flow like a stampede.

"What are they laughing at? Is it my outfit? Is it my hair? IS IT MY FACE? I thought I looked nice tonight. Don't I look nice tonight? Mike? Mike, I'm talking to you. Do I look nice tonight? Well, it's just they're laughing at me. No, I'm not projecting my insecurities. Fuck you. Just tell me I look nice, bitch. DON'T I?! .......thank you. Yeah, fuck them. FUCK YOU! Yeah I'm talking to you, Sally. I said fuck you. Don't....don't you fucking point your finger at me."

That's always the second stage of the gay fight. The finger lift. It's as if an invisible magic wand is being lifted in the air and the index finger comes up, not pointing at you, but more so raised towards the roof so you are essentially looking at them holding up the number one, while making a stank face. And that finger just WORKS IT. It is used so intricately to gesticulate on all the right words.

i.e. Fat. Bitch. Slut. Queen. Loose.

And then a finger is used in retaliation. So much so that if someone hearing impaired happened to be watching it would appear that two queens were trying to out do each other in a Mariah Carey impression.

Of course, if all of that fails to scare the competitor the testosterone levels can't be ignored and here come the beer bottles, drinks thrown, claws out, fists clenched. But I am always impressed with the devious, strateigical mind games that always preface the physical violence. It, to me, is truly more frightening than throwing some fists around.